In Townsville, he made fake police identification badges, got hold of a blue flashing light and at night he would follow and stop vehicles, pretending to be a police officer and reprimanding drivers for small transgressions. Elkordi and his Ferrari were also in residence. "A bogan is like a Torana-driving, flannelette-wearing ..." I interrupt him to disagree, to tell him, sorry, but he is. "These friends of mine, they're just nice, they're decent, they're men of their word," says Sandilands, who has frequently travelled with Ibrahim, and twice been to the Victoria's Secret show in New York with him. "A swarthy man with a shaved head wearing invisible orthodontics and a trilby stops at our table. Then he wants to tell me about his business and finance woes and how he has overturned his bankruptcy. "He was, in fact, quite humble. And he's calmed down in the past couple of years, he says. His manager and business partner Andrew Hawkins, a lean man with a music-note tattoo behind his left ear, joins us. His aunt Jill Stevens describes it all as "delusions of grandeur". He used to cut out pictures of big boats, too. "What happens when the homeless people come past?" His stepfather booted him out; later that night when he knocked on his father's door, he turned him away, too. Alan Jones once asked him, "Why do you have to be so vulgar?" "Terrey Hills was just a debauched, disgusting sex pit," says Sandilands. Any opportunity, he'd be in that car. She remembers finding a letter Sandilands had written to friends saying he'd just got back from a business trip to Hong Kong. He does lots of things. "He was always a naughty boy - loud, had to be the centre of attention, mixed with the wrong types of people," says Stevens, who looked after him for six years. It was a good day when young Kyle got to hang with school buddy Spencer Howson. So I'm looking at myself and that's when I give myself a hard time." "There's a big teddy bear underneath that person everyone thinks is Dr Evil," says Beness.The teddy bear, if indeed there is one, cried again this year during pre-recordings in Melbourne in May for There is a defining, foundational story about Kyle Sandilands' life - the homeless story - that seems to pop up whenever an excuse or explanation is needed for his bad behaviour. "It's like a big drug-running boat," he says. Howson's folks had a big house and an old Rolls and Sandilands was dazzled. "Still, Sandilands likes to have people around him. Instead of finding a drink he’d be into, he did what any millionaire with too much money does: create … "We are white-trash royalty," he says, sweeping his family up into the statement. "I don't care, just anything that makes money," he says. Sandilands affectionately describes his girl's social media presence as "her stupid little Twitter world" but I'm grateful for the sunny generosity with which she shares information and pouting selfies. No one else would have him. "That's what I dreamed of as a kid, chandeliers and Rolls- Royces, so I thought, 'F... it, I'm going to have what I want.'

They live together in St Ives in Sydney's north with Sandilands' brother, Chris. "Elkordi, a former prestige car businessman, is on and off his mobile phone. The shock jock, 49, says he made a certain discovery about Chinese women after interacting with a sex worker. He was endearingly, repetitively self-deprecating.John Laws, who lunched with Sandilands earlier this year, had a similar experience. "I thought everyone already did that," he says. It goes like this: when he was 15, Sandilands held a massive party while his mother and stepfather were away. He takes the homelessness plea: "I'd erupt because ... if I couldn't do it my way I might end up back in that box again. Emasculated. And I'd say, 'I don't know. Secrets are kept and there’s a lower risk of leaks and negative press. 1 on the list of Australia's most hated celebrities but he is not the black-and-white figure such a ranking would suggest. He hates the beach, hates the heat.That doesn't stop him unhitching his 40-foot Scarab from its Rose Bay moorings to jump waves out past Sydney Heads. "Later, as he built his radio career, he would throw tantrums when things didn't go his way; on more than one occasion he has threatened to kill people, including, in the early '90s, a Gladstone radio executive after he sacked Sandilands.

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